One thing I want to work on now that I have more free time is my confidence. I have mentioned before that I want to become more confident, but now I can focus on it. I am just so worried I won’t be successful. I feel like there’s so many people grinding, what will make me stick out? I may seem positive and inspiring to others, but when it comes to me it’s floods and floods of negative thoughts. But I guess everyone is like that. We just don’t show it. The reason I never blogged before was because I was worried about perception. I didn’t want to look vulnerable or insecure, but the last year expressing myself and sharing has been great self therapy.
In my last post I mentioned how a part of me felt regretful. I was evaluating why I felt this and I realized that it is because I lack confidence. I feel like I am going to be struggling now and I am stupid for giving up my stability. However, I can’t feel this way. I have to overcome this regret and be happy that I can now have a fresh start. For months I have been resenting myself for feeling content, so I can’t resent myself for taking a risk. I have the ability, knowledge and resources to be great so why wouldn’t I?
I am slowly getting everything in order and it’s great. The chicken with my head cut off feeling is just for the birds at this point and I refuse to feel it any longer. There is another area in my life that I definitely need to walk by faith and not by sight. I have let this situation become stressful when it’s really all in my head. You can’t live life paranoid, anxious and scared and that’s what I have been doing for 24 years… okay maybe not for that long, but definitely since I was like 17. If I could go back in time I would have gone to an HBCU, I would have let go of people sooner and I would of cared less of what people say. That is the biggest problem I have; letting people get in my head and stress me out. No one should have that much power over you.
So starting right now I will let God take the lead in all areas of my life. This was the message last Sunday at church and I felt like the pastor was speaking directly to me. I am tired of worrying so much. Life is too short to have as much anxiety as I do. I really want to give you guys more details about the other situation I am going through in my life. However, I am not ready yet. Just know that I won’t keep you guys in the dark forever LOL. If I have a more chill approach to life I don’t think I will get so worked up about things that aren’t that big of a deal. This goes with that quote I posted last week… life is 10% of what happens and 90% of how you react. My reactions have been so terrible lately, but now I am ready to be more rational. Let go and let God, walk by faith and not by sight.
I am working today and I feel good. Just knowing that this chapter of my life will soon be over makes me feel hopeful and energetic. After work today I am getting my hair done. I am glad because I have an eventful weekend ahead. My sorority sister and frat brother are graduating from San Jose State and the turn up is going to be so real on Friday. Saturday I don’t really have plans, but I forgot in the heat of the moment that there is no work Monday because of Memorial day! I need to make more plans, even though I have to be cognizant of my spending now. But that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun 😉